Tough Stuff

I'm pretty horrible about writing. I thought I'd have all the time in the world now that I'm done with school, and I have no wedding to plan. However, I've found things to fill the free time, and writing hasn't been one of them. However, when I start to feel something that's worth writing about, I come here!

I'm transferring all my CD's into iTunes so I can finally listen to them on my iPod. I don't think I've listened to any of my old CD's in over a year. It's about time they got played! With this, I came across my old Lindsay Lohan CD... the one I bought for ONE song. And it's still that ONE song that gets my emotions going.

I wait for the postman to bring me a letter.
And I wait for the good Lord to make me feel better.
And I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders.
Family in crisis that only grows older.
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?

Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I am broken, but I am hoping.
Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I am crying, a part of me's dying.
And these are, these are, the
confessions of a broken heart!

And I wear all your old clothes your polo sweater.
I dream of another you, one who would never.
Never, leave me alone to pick up the pieces. Daddy to hold me, that's what I needed.

So,why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?
Why'd you have to go?

Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I don't know you, but I still want to.
Daughter to father, daughter to father!
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me?
Cause these are, these are,
the confessions....!!! of a broken heart!
Of a broken heart!

I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I ... I ... I ...
I love you!

Daughter to father, daughter to father!
I don't know you, but I still want to.
Daughter to father, daughter to father!
Tell me the truth, did you ever love me?
Did you ever love me?
These are the confessions of a broken heart!

Ohh ... yeah

And I wait for the postman to bring me a letter.

I am not writing this for sympathy. I'm not writing so that my dad reaches out (he won't - I have completely cut him out of my life, and I don't think he'd be able to track down this blog... nor would he be trying to find me). This is something I rarely talk to anyone about, even my husband. I feel stupid talking about it because I feel like this shouldn't still bother me. And someone so cruel shouldn't have such power over my emotions. I made the choice to cut my dad out of my life when I realized how damaging the relationship was on me. But just because I made the decision, it doesn't mean that each day is easy without my dad in my life. I constantly wonder... when I hear that he has passed away, how will I feel? What will I do? Will I attend the funeral? I wish I never had to ask myself those questions. I wish NO ONE ever had to ask those questions.

There are so many positive things that came from my parent's divorce, and my dad's inability to be a father. My grandpa became my father figure while growing up - and had he not, I'm not sure we'd be quite as close as we are (my grandpa is my hero - I would do absolutely anything for him!). My mom married a great guy who also became a father figure in my teen years. He took on the fatherly role quite nicely for never having children before (especially not a teenage daughter - sigh!). However, no matter how many father figures I've had, the ONE father I really needed has always been missing. I look at my friend's relationships with their dads and am envious. I'm so glad to know that when we have children, no matter what was to ever happen between Gary and I, I know he would still be the best father to our children. NOTHING would separate him from his children. I know this because I know his character - he is not a coward. He's selfless. He's loving. And he is a fighter.

Sometimes I sit and wish I had my dad in my life. But then I remember who my dad is, and it's not the dad I've drawn up in my head who is doting, loving, giving, and caring.

I'm Married!

We did it! We did it! :) We got married... 20 days ago today. Already?! That's so crazy. Anyways, the day was absolutely perfect. Ok... it was imperfectly perfect. There were a few "screw ups," but I was in such a great mood that nothing phased me. NOTHING could ruin my day.

Friday we had our rehearsal at the Millennium. That's when I had my breakdown... between one of the most important boxes being missing (it so happened it was left at my house in Mishele's trunk... oops!) and realizing that I was getting married the next day, I broke into tears and couldn't stop. I cried on and off for the first 15 minutes, at times not remembering how to breathe.

Finally, with the help of Gary laughing at me and our pastor, Jeff, telling me to breathe and not let anything worry me, I got recollected and was ready to "practice" our ceremony. And it went so well! We had fun, we smiled, we laughed, we cried. And then i

t was over and time to go celebrate at Brit's Pub for our Groom

's/Rehearsal dinner. What a fun time we had there! Everyone was happy and outgoing, and the foo

d and drinks were excellent! I'd highly recommend future Brides to try to have their dinners there. :)

On the wedding day, I didn't have any tears. I was so impressed with myself... all this time I had told myself to just deal with the fact that I was going to be bawling my eyes out. That I wouldn't be able to get through my vows, and if I did, nobody would have any idea what I said because I'd be blubbering. Much to my surprise (and everyone else's!), I smiled and laughed during our vows, and said them with clear eyes. It was so fabulous!

There were many moments during our ceremony where we were able to laugh and interact with each other. It was not a "stiff" or awkward ceremony. It was religious, yes, but our pastor was amazing and made it really personal, so even those who aren't religious were able to enjoy it. We heard many praises after the wedding

about how GREAT our officiant was. People asked where we found him.. (the answer is Colonial Church in Edina, by the way!)

Two things bummed me out about our wedding (and I was not bummed out until AFTER the wedding): the chicken was soo

dry (and this was my preferred meal that I raved about for 6 months leading up to the wedding!), and the 2nd row of seats at our ceremony were not filled... not because we didn't have family there, but because we didn't let the ushers know that it was reserved for family. Instead, we just had a sign on each row that said "Reserved." SAD. People had to stand in the back, while there was an entire open row... Oh well. Just adds to those memories that we'll look back on and laugh at.

Overall, our day was perfect. We'd love to do it all over again exactly the same -- except with moist chicken and the 2nd row filled ;)

We then went on a fabulous honeymoon to Cancun, Mexico. Check out my Facebook profile for pics from our wedding day AND our honeymoon!

"US"

As the wedding creeps up, I am getting more excited by the day! This is because finally, everything is nearly complete. The escort cards are ready, programs are designed and printed, gifts are purchased and wrapped, centerpieces are packaged up, etc etc... there are only tiny things left to do which means I get to sit back and enjoy these last couple weeks before the wedding!

The other night I was looking over all my decorations and all the things I've done. I realized that I am very excited to show everyone a true reflection of ourselves through everything from the stationery to the centerpieces. 99% of things were done by myself, with barely any input from anybody else. That means that the things you will see on our wedding day, are things that WE like and that WE had the creativity and ability to create them. Nothing is over the top, but it is US. WE are not over the top about anything! It would be unfitting to have an elaborate wedding with hundreds of flowers (I like flowers, don't get me wrong, but I definitely don't believe they are worth the price!) and chiffon hanging from the ceilings... it's not us. We are simple. Our house is decorated simply with just enough warmth to call it "home." So I am excited to share with our friends and family US. Our style. Our desires.

21 days :)

Wedding Woes

26 days. 26! In 26 days, I will become Mrs. McKenzie Rude. I will become a wife. I am so excited, but so nervous. Not nervous to commit myself to 1 person for the rest of my life, but to throw a major event. I love planning parties - I always have. But planning a wedding is so much different. You never truly know all of the little things that go into a wedding until you start to plan. And I'm not even sure that with 26 days left to go, that I know of all the little things that are required to make a wedding run smoothly. Thankfully, this is my first time. I plan on it also being my only! So how am I to know everything that I need to think about to make the day a success in other's eyes?

Thankfully I have a wonderful mother who has helped to remind me that it's not the little things that make the day special - it isn't the flowers, the centerpieces, the food (although I can confirm the food is excellent!), the drinks, etc... it's about the love between two people. If it's about the love Gary and I have, I think we can knock everyone out of the water. I like to believe that our love for each other is written all over our faces - and I imagine it will be even more so on the most important day of our lives. But impressing others by the decorations and the little details is also an important thing to me. People are taking the time out of their day, and spending money for their drinks (we simply can't afford to pay for alcohol) to be at our wedding, and I want to make sure it's worth their while.

This wish has taken emotional and physical tolls, but I am hoping everything I have done will pay off on October 2. At the end of the day, no matter what goes wrong, I need to remember that I will be MRS. McKENZIE RUDE... which is such a gift! I am marrying not a perfect man, but the perfect man for me.

So 26 days to go. I am so excited to become Gary's wife, and am looking forward to have our closest friends and family there to help us celebrate this major milestone in our life. I just hope I can do everything right, because I will only have 1 wedding day in this life!

Rambling

I can't help it. Every day I look at my "RSVP Tracker" for the wedding, I get more and more frustrated. I added up the totals today... I am missing 49 RSVPs. I sent out 99... the math adds up to 50% of the people who received invitations have not RSVP'd! I set a deadline of August 15, which is just 9 days away... I'd say it's highly unlikely that the other 50% are all planning to send the RSVP in within the next week. Hmm...

On a happy note, Gary is coming home on Sunday! I've kept myself busy while he's been gone, and my best friend Mishele has stayed over a few nights, but there hasn't been a moment I haven't missed him. Even hearing him work in the garage was comforting... I'm looking forward to the loud noises again!

I don't have much to say today - I was up way too late last night looking at wedding centerpiece ideas and then worked bright and early this morning. Planning on cleaning the house a bit, then lounging on my couch watchin' movies... GIRLY movies, since Gary isn't around to tell me no ;)

Gary's first day of "vacation"

How lucky am I to get to marry a man who is so easy going, that even when every plan he had for a day goes south, he can still manage to sit back and laugh?

Today Gary was scheduled to leave Minneapolis at 6am to go to Milwaukee for a connecting flight to Tampa. Well, because of a hydraulic leak on the plane, the flight was delayed. Finally, at noon, the plane had been fixed and Gary was on his way to Milwaukee. Obviously, the flight to Tampa ha already left and there was no way he could get on another flight to Tampa today. Instead, he asked them to fly him into Atlanta. He figured Ese could then start the drive (since ultimately they had to go through Atlanta anyway) and pick him up at the Atlanta airport. Well, Ese's car broke down about an hour 1/2 away from Atlanta. What a mess! Ed sent his friends to the Atlanta airport to pick him up and told them to stay at a hotel for tonight. Luckily, from what I have read in texts, they are all reunited and will get a trailer for Ese's car first thing tomorrow morning. The original plan was for Gary and Ese to drive the little 2-seater (without AC) CRX to Cali, but now that will not be possible.

Despite everything going wrong today, when Gary called to tell me, he was laughing. He found it so humorous and said, "I actually really like being left alone with nobody I know in an unknown state." It made me so thankful for him, because in his shoes I'd be freaking out... I'm so happy he is still looking forward to this road trip, and that he can laugh about it :)

Still pray for him...

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder

It's so true what they say... "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Gary left this morning (I took him to the airport at 4am!) to help our old roommate drive from Florida to California. He is such a wonderful friend! He took an unpaid week vacation to help his friend out- I'm so happy to know that he will always take the shirt off his back for his friends, family, and ME! There aren't many people left in this world that would do that.

I've cried. A lot. Last night I tried focusing on the movie we were watching, but couldn't help but think about the week I'd spend alone... nobody coming home at night to ask about my day and give me the hugs and kisses I need so much, nobody to eat dinner with, nobody to fall asleep next to... Sigh. It's only one week... but that is a long time to be without someone you want to spend every waking moment with. Today has been a rough day. I've been finishing some wedding things (and they look so great... a picture of our city-themed stationery is above!), but every now and then my mind will shift back to Gary being gone for a week and my eyes fill with tears. Believe me, I know what you're thinking and I completely agree. I'm such a SAP! I'm such a wuss that I can't handle him being gone for even 1 week. But I'm thankful he left- because sometimes I get "used" to having him around. I don't always make it a point to appreciate the fact that he's around. So when he leaves, I'm reminded that I could never do life without him. I'd never WANT to. After a week of me without him, I know I'm going to jump out of my car next Sunday and run into his arms and appreciate him more than I have in quite a while.

I can't wait to see him...

If you think of it, please pray for his safe travels with his friends Daniel and Ed! They are driving across a lot of unknown territory, in a 2-seat car without A/C.